New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
