Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
