I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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