i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
