why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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