4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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