I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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