My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
