I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
