I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
