I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
