Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
