Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Congratulations! We have a period
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
