Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
