Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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