dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
