So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
