you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We got so high we made milksteak
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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