can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
