I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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