I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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