My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
where are you?
Hypothermia
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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