HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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