I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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