I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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