Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
