I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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