She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
