some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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