Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
