the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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