So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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