They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
