tequila makes me forget i have legs
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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