I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
