even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
