i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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