im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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