There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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