I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
