It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
