the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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