I can text with my tongue
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
