Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
