if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
