i think my tv is drunk
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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