Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
