then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
