Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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