Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
