oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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