You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
