Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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