Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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