I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
