I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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