And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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